Never miss important social cues again

Why “Never miss important social cues again”?

Are you missing social cues?
Missing social cues? — Image by VitalSmarts.com

Following my previous post on How and when to say sorry (here), a fellow-blogger friend commented “I’m not guilt free and I try to apologize when I realize I’ve misstepped. Problematic for me with my lacking social skills is I am not always quick on the uptake to recognize a social faux paux.” Great timing Nikki — now I get to expand on the title of another post “Never miss important social cues again” stored like, forever, in my bulging draft folder.

What are social cues?

Social cues can be either verbal or nonverbal hints which can be positive or negative, (Wikipedia). These cues guide social and other interactions and let us know that the other person or a group is not interested in our conversation. These cues can tell us that someone feels offended by what we’ve said or perhaps they’re really excited by our explanation. Social cues can include:

Eye rolling — image by
DLPNG.com
  • facial expression — without a doubt, the most telling—and common—nonverbal means of communication is through facial expressions like eye rolling, downturned lips, flared nostrils, looking bored, showing disgust, fear, animosity or we might be smiling and showing approval. However, we’ve all seen a fake smile — that one that doesn’t reach the eyes 😉
  • body posture — is critical in making a strong impression. How we sit or stand is important in how we’re seen by others. Slouched or facing the floor might display indifference, uncertainty, or even weakness while, conversely back straight and head held high exudes confidence, assurance, and strength. However, we’ve all seen soldiers on parade – exuding confidence and assurance? when they’re actually terrified of their Sergeant screaming in their face.
  • speech isn’t just what we say, but also how we say it, using inflection, pitch, tempo (controlling speed of speech) and tone of voice to convey anger like shouting. Also included here might be huffs, puffs, tutting and heavy sighs. There isn’t a teenager, uh — anywhere who hasn’t done this.
  • proximity — how close or far away we are from a person. Someone might step back from us if they’re afraid or if they’re standing close or leaning in, it might be because they’re interested in what we’re saying. We all have our own ‘intimate space’ and we’re choosy who we let in there. Have you ever thought — “get out of my personal space!”
  • gestures — are used to communicate important messages, either in place of speech or together, in parallel with spoken words. Remember though, that gestures are culturally specific and can have very different meanings in different cultural or social settings. For instance, in Brazil, Germany, Russia, and many other countries around the world, the OK sign is a very offensive gesture because it is used to depict a private bodily orifice. So when it comes to gestures, the wisest advice might be to keep your fingers to yourself! (Huffpost.com, 2013). In the UK, we all know someone who talks with their hands. Then there’s pointing or arms crossed looking impatient or hostile. There’s also the kids foot-stomping, which most of us have seen at some point.
  • body language – we shake our head, clench our fists, stare out the window, turn away from our speaker perhaps showing disinterest — say in school, university or meetings, and even with stroppy teenagers.
  • physiological changes are often the most associated with discomfort, shyness and anxiety, for example blushing, flushing, shaky hands or sweating are a giveaway that someone’s ill-at-ease. If you’ve ever had to give a presentation at work, you’re probably familiar with some of these social cues.

Nonverbal cues speak the loudest

In a previous post ‘How to improve your verbal communication skills’ (here), you may remember that a huge 65% of our communication skills are nonverbal.

Therefore, it’s not only important to be aware of what someone says, but we desperately need to be aware of how they say it too. The trick here is to remember — nonverbal (body language) cues actually speak the loudest.

This might appear odd because it seems glaringly obvious, but it isn’t, not to some. In fact, we’ve all missed cues at some point. For example, in the midst of an argument we probably missed the process of what’s going on around us and stormed ahead no matter the other person’s response. We’ve not registered their shock, surprise, horror or utter silence. We’ve missed their cues to either pull back or stop.

Nonverbal cues occur instinctively

Now we understand that body language is the use of expressions, proximity, mannerisms, physical behaviour to communicate nonverbally, did you know:

The faces of Trump — Image by CNN.com
  • nonverbal communication occurs instinctively rather than consciously (but it can be learnt)
  • that whether you’re aware of it or not, when we interact with others, we continuously give and receive wordless cues
  • these messages don’t stop when we stop talking either
  • even if we’re silent, we’re still communicating nonverbally

All of our subconscious nonverbal actions send powerful messages to others, which can build trust, put people at ease and draw them to us, or we might confuse, offend and undermine what it is we want to convey.

In the absence of reliable information about a person, all we really have is the nonverbal cues which offer a look into their likely behaviours or actions.

Social and nonverbal cues in action

For example, at work in my role as a mental health nurse, our Rapid Response Team (RRT – a team of around 6-8 mainly large male nurses who would attend to a ward when they had an aggressive or violent patient) instinctively all stood tall, heads back and arms crossed, staring at the said patient.

Unfortunately, our RRT’s nonverbal communication was intimidating to the patients at best and threatening or provoking at worst. The patient didn’t know these men — with their threatening body language — or that they were there to help — so it didn’t inspire trust in the patient. In fact it often made the patient want to lash out, either in fear or sometimes in defiance. Staff were missing social cues these presented by the patient.

Control & Restraint relaxed posture
CQCTimes.com

Therefore the RRT first had to be made aware of their how their nonverbal communication appeared. This was done during the debriefing meetings following an incident where it was fed back that their posture was inappropriate and unacceptable.

Secondly, the Control & Restraint Department (responsible for the RRT’s training) was informed of how this practice was coming across on the wards. Staff went on refresher courses where they carried out mock incidents, using a more relaxed posture when approaching patients.

Effective nonverbal communication can be learnt

Okay, so while it’s said that nonverbal communication is spontaneous and generally can’t be faked — it can be taught and learnt, as above.

To enable us to develop and maintain successful/good relationships, it’s not only crucial that we have good speaking skills, but also a clear understanding of the nonverbal cues that accompany conversation. It goes without saying that we need to be aware of how we ourselves come across to others.

Having an awareness or even a control of your own nonverbal communication could prove advantageous in a business or work environment and certainly if you’re working with the public. This awareness is definitely beneficial if you have difficulties within your personal and family relationships.

If you’re worried you’re missing social cues, ask someone you trust and respect to give you honest constructive feedback on whether you’ve been able to read their nonverbal hints appropriately.

Non-verbal communication in film

Watch films or tv programmes, paying particular interest in the nonverbal communication that occurs between two people or groups of people. See which of the above and how many cues you can identify.

Notice how they express friendliness and positivity by maintaining an open posture. See how they stand with their legs hip-distance apart and keep their torso exposed as opposed to covered with crossed arms, keeping their head raised and relaxing their facial expression.

Being aware of nonverbal communication

If you recognize that a colleague, friend or family member you’re speaking to has a case of the jitters and they’re struggling to make themselves clear, try to make them feel at ease. Let them have some time and don’t interrupt until after they’ve finished speaking.

If someone’s raising their voice at you, take a step back and with your arms out, palms down and say calmly, quietly and firmly, “Please, don’t raise your voice to me.”

You could go on further “I can’t hear” or “I can’t understand what you’re saying when you’re shouting at me.” When they do stop shouting, and they will — they’ll be shocked by your actions — you can ask them to repeat what they were saying.

If someone does continue to shout or rant, repeat the nonverbal cues and tell them – you are going to walk away (and do it, whether it’s to another room, the bathroom).

Don’t be afraid of asserting yourself, calmy, quietly and firmly to say “You’re scaring me.”, “It makes me feel ………… when you shout at me.” No one can argue with your feelings; their yours and you own them.

Watch out for the other person’s nonverbal cues to gauge the situation. This will give you clues as to whether they want to continue in this vein or whether they’re calming down, willing to listen to you.

If you’re still struggling with communications skills, these posts might help:

In the meantime, I’m happy to answer any questions and I’m interested in your thoughts on nonverbal communication skills. Is there anything I’ve missed?

How to improve your verbal communication skills?

Do you struggle with verbal communication skills?

My previous lack of verbal communication skills

How to talk to someone

I was terribly shy in my teens and if I met someone new I’d blush bright red. I’d become anxious, start to panic and feel faint. That made me feel even less confident in making conversation. I never knew what to say as an introduction or how to end a conversation effectively. If I was asked a question I couldn’t think of an appropriate response and my silences might have appeared rude. Job interviews were a nightmare as I giggled nervously (hysterically) throughout.

However, fifteen years in Human Resource Management and fifteen more in mental health management hugely improved my verbal communication.

In a recent post we looked at good Listening Skills and today, we’ll address verbal communication skills.

What is verbal communication skills?

The ability to convey or share ideas and feelings effectively during conversation; to be able to talk and be understood. Therefore developing good verbal communication is necessary for both our personal and work life. Learning this skill will enable you to cultivate healthy relationships with loved one, friends, families, colleagues and even our boss.

Effective verbal communication skills include more than just talking. Verbal communication encompasses both how you deliver messages and how you receive them.

4 main types of verbal communication skills

NHS Leadership Academy’s 1st annual
conference — image by
Leadershipacademy.nhs.uk
  1. Public Communication is normally where one person holds the stage, addressing larger groups of people i.e. Annual conferences or election campaigns.
  2. Small-Group Communication takes place when there are more than two people. This is where everyone participates and interacts with the others in the group i.e. team meeting or group therapy.
  3. Intrapersonal Communication is private and restricted to yourself. It’s like your self-talk, using your imagination or visualisation. Imagine talking to mum on the phone and she tells you she’s cooking your favourite meal, the aroma might come to mind.
  4. Interpersonal Communication takes place between two people like a one-to-one chat between nurse and patient or you and your boss, in order to communicate your needs or any actions required.

For now we’re going to address Interpersonal Communication; a one-to-one chat or simply a conversation between two people, as that’s what occurs most often for us, like talking to the cashier in your local shop or a neighbour.

The importance of verbal communication skills

Would you believe that approximately 65% of our communication is nonverbal?

However, while only 35% of our communication is verbal (conversation), it is still the basis of all communication so we mustn’t neglect its importance.

The classic words of John Donne in 1624 ‘No man is an island’; roughly translated means no one is truly self-sufficient and we need the company and closeness of others in order to grow. While you may know of a recluse who functions solely alone, the rest of us generally have to be around people. Working and living in harmony, ‘fitting in’ and engaging with others is basic human need.

One of the best ways to fit in, engage with new people and build good relationships is via a two-way conversation. Developing rapport, which sometimes happens naturally, is essential and one of the first steps to relationship building. You can start building rapport by finding common ground or creating shared experiences with the other person.

From my professional experience, I know that nurses are expected to display empathy, compassion, kindness, genuineness (being authentic), self-awareness and a non-judgemental attitude when building relationships with patients.

However, these skills are easily transferable to all areas of work and personal life and can quickly be achieved by non-professionals. If you can be authentic, warm, open and friendly you’ll be able to verbally communicate with just about anyone.

Socratic Questioning skills you might find useful

Another achievable verbal communication skill (which might be used by nurses) is displaying a quiet curiosity and asking gentle probing questions. This technique is called Socratic Questioning (469 BC–399 BC). It’s a form of cooperative, argumentative dialogue between individuals and is based on asking and answering questions to stimulate critical thinking (Wikipedia). Being curious, acting a little bit dumb and getting people to think of the answers to their questions or problems for themselves.

Image by 123rf.com
  1. Questions for clarification — Perhaps in response to someone crying, “I know he’s cheating on me.” You’d question “Why do you say that?
  2. Questions that probe assumptions — In response to a friend saying “He’s out late, he must be cheating.” You might ask “What could we assume instead?” or “You seem to be assuming.”
  3. Socratic questions that probe reasons and evidence — In response to a person saying “You’re always letting me down.” You could ask “What would be an example?” or “Tell me on how many occasions I’ve done that.” or “When did I last do that?
  4. Questions about viewpoints and perspectives — Replying to someone saying “I’m not going back into hospital, I hate it” You could ask “What would be an alternative?” or “What would your Care Team think about that?”
  5. Questions that probe implications and consequences — In response to a friend explaining “The staff are a bit………, you know…. so I can’t go back into hospital.” You could gently probe, “What are you implying? What will happen if you don’t go back?
  6. Questions about the question — Perhaps in response to a patient/friend saying “I’m so miserable all the time, do you think they’re all fed up with me.” You might respond “How would somebody else/ you mum/ your answer this question? And “Why?” or “Why is this issue important?

Potential pitfalls during conversation we need to be aware of:

Unfortunately, in our busy worlds, at work or at home, with technology all around us, we’re easily distracted by noises or visual diversions. Is no wonder we make the following errors:

Excellent communication skills —
image by People2people.com.au
  1. Sometimes we talk too much, often waffling or filling space. We feel we need to fill the silence with chatter — we don’t! It’s okay to have 10-15 seconds of silence, just relax and sit with it. This will give you the time to think about what you’re going to say next.
  2. We’re often unable to put our ideas across so that the other person understands – take a breath, exhale slowly then inhale just as slowly and start again. Don’t be afraid to say something like “I’m not sure how to explain this so it makes sense, but I’ll give it a go.” One instance maybe if the other person does not speak the same language and we can’t get our point across. However, we may be able to resort to some sort of non-verbal communication.
  3. We resort to jargon/colloquialism/slang – jargon occurs a lot with doctors, nurses and scientists. The medical/nursing field also use acronyms like ECG, ECT and CBT which can confuse, embarrass and alienate people who are unfamiliar with our medical/scientific/nursing terms. Colloquialisms come in where people speak with local words and phrases which can leave other people out of conversations. Computer language and the technical side of WordPress are completely lost on me – I need plain and simple messages here.
  4. We don’t think before we speak, we just dive straight in. When your words are negative, demeaning, harsh or inconsiderate you may be seen as a miserable, angry and mean spirited person who sees only the bad and not the good in life or people. Take a breath and a couple of seconds to think about what you’re going to say. You are what you say — your words hint at your thoughts, values and beliefs and saying the wrong thing at the wrong time might hurt or anger others.
  5. We don’t talk enough; If you’re unsure what the other person is talking about, ask them to repeat or rephrase it or tell them you don’t understand what they’ve just said. Most people don’t actually mind – they get the opportunity to hear themselves speak again….. If you’re short on things to say, try bringing up topics that you enjoy and are somewhat knowledgeable about. Open up and say what you think, share how you feel or share one of your own experiences i.e. if the other person tells you about their golf trip that weekend and you know nothing about golf, you could say “Ah, yes, the weather was good wasn’t it. We took advantage of it and went fishing/paddling in rock pools,” — don’t just stand there nodding and smiling.
  6. Going off on a tangent (and not being able to get back on track). Apologise and stop for a second. Tell them “Ooops, I’ve gone off track, what was I/you saying?”
  7. Being unable to give the other person the information they need to join in the conversation or to respond i.e. by giving yes or no or even one-word answers, you’re not inviting the other person to respond. Try to expand on a ‘yes‘ when asked something like “Do you work for Smith & Smyths?” You could say “Yes, I work in the post room and I’ve been there for almost a year now. What about you?”
  8. Not listening enough. Ernest Hemingway once said: “I like to listen. I have learned a great deal from listening carefully. Most people never listen.” Don’t be like most people. Actively listen and don’t just wait impatiently for your turn to speak. When you listen, you might find something of interest that you can discuss further — when it’s your turn to speak.
How to improve your communication
skills — image by Nu.edu/resources

Whatever you are doing, the way you use your verbal communication skills, sets the emotional tone for any future relationships. Just think; chatting with a new person might lead to a great friendship, a brilliant new partner, a friendly colleague or an amazing business lead.

Do you recognise any of the pitfalls in verbal communication? Anyone got any hints or tips for effective verbal communication with new people? I really enjoy reading about your experiences.

How to develop effective listening skills?

Yesterday was #TimeToTalk Day. Sorry I’m a day late with this post.

Let’s end mental health discrimination — Timetochange.org.uk

Mental health problems affect one in four of us, yet too many people are made to feel isolated, ashamed and worthless because of this. Time to Talk Day encourages everyone to be more open about mental health – to talk, to listen, to change lives.

Oh, most of us know how to talk, yes? But how many people know how to listen? Actively listen? Well, from my personal and professional experiences — very few, so that’s our topic for today — Listening Skills.

Hands up — as you’ve been telling your ‘story’, who’s had someone butting in with “Oh, my gran’s neighbour’s youngest granddaughter is…………. “?

Ffs — I don’t know their gran, I don’t know their neighbour and I neither know nor care what the heck granny’s neighbours youngest granddaughter is, does or bloody well thinks.

Boring conversations —
B2M Productions/Getty Images

My mum’s great at that one, “Oh remember wee Grettel doon the road from thirty years ago? Oh, maybe thirty three — or four. Well…….” she puffs in response to me just telling her I’ve had a cough and a sore throat.

Me, eyes rolling, “No mum. I don’t.”

“Och you do. Her mum was …………. Well, anyway, her wee boy’s best pal’s mum went into hospital with a cough she couldnae get rid of and bless her, she passed away. She was only in there for three days. Poor wee boy, eh?”

“Aha (means yes in Scotland) mum.” Moving on quickly —

See, when I’m telling my ‘story‘, particularly when I’ve been asked to tell it i.e. mum says “How are you?”, I want to tell it, without interruption and be heard and properly listened to. Mum might get the hint when I show her this next bit:

Common mistakes we make while ‘listening

While it’s good to talk and be open about mental health, you might agree that not everyone listens effectively. Common mistakes we make while we’re supposed to be ‘listening’:

Not listening — Istock.com
  • We’re distracted i.e watching or answering our phones, texting etc or perhaps we’re chasing small children around or we’re eying up the candy at the next table 😉
  • We daydream — we’re gazing out of the window or around the room/cafe/bar and not looking interested in the other person’s ‘story’.
  • We’re rehearsing our response — thinking of how to answer, thinking about what we’re going to say next, “maybe I’ll say something funny?” to take away the tension.
  • We mind read — we make assumptions about what the other person’s thinking and feeling or what they’re going to say next and we interrupt – “Oh, I know what you’re gonna say.”
  • We filter —we zone in on the points that diminish someone’s argument, so we can say they’re wrong and make our own arguments right.
  • Placating — telling the other person “Yes, I agree. He is a pig.”without putting in an effort to hear the whole ‘story‘ and understand. And remember, while it’s okay for someone to miscall their mum/boyfriend/partner, it’s not okay for you to do it.
  • Judging — we’re making up our own opinion of a friend/person, their ‘story‘, their argument i.e if you think of the person as a know-it-all, it might stop you from listening.
  • Debating — you can’t listen if you’re interrupting, arguing, and disputing everything.
  • Derailing — interrupting and bringing the focus back to what you want to discuss or because you don’t want to tackle a tough conversation.
  • Advising — jumping in and offering solutions before they’ve got to the end of their ‘story’ – they might have solved it already and just want you to listen.

People often tell me I’m a good listener and sometimes I really wish I wasn’t.

A friend in Spain starts off with “Ello darlin’. How are you?” and without stopping to breathe, he starts “I’ve had such a busy day……..” then goes on to explain everything in minute detail. He tells me where he’s been, whether he was driving or walking and what he’s done, which could take him twenty minutes plus. And I sit there nodding, smiling and doing the “uh huh” thing and “Ahh” while maintaining good eye contact — until he stops!

You might have gathered by now that I see listening as so much more than just hearing. Listening is what happens when we not only open our ears, but also open our minds – and sometimes our hearts – to another person. Listening is not a passive skill. Listening is an active skills that not everyone has — true but, trust me, it’s easily learned. We’ve already looked at poor and passive listening.

So, what is active listening?

The 7 key active listen skills according to the Centre for Creative Leadership:

Community.cengage.com
  1. Be attentive. Look interested and give good eye contact – you don’t need to stare at a person, just look long enough so they see you’re interested – try not to stare into the person’s eyes, just above the nose is a good place.
  2. Ask open-ended questions like “Tell me what’s happening with/for you.” or “Tell me what the matter?” and let them speak, uninterrupted. Don’t ask Yes and No questions like “Are you upset? or “Is there a problem?” because you’ll probably get a sharp yes or no in response.
  3. Ask probing questions like “I’m interested to hear, tell me more.” or “How did that make you feel?”
  4. Request clarification like “I’m not sure I understand, can you explain a bit more?” or “I’m not quite sure I get that last bit, do you want to repeat it?”
  5. Paraphrase – perhaps say “What I heard was ………….., did I get that right?” repeat back to them in your own words.
  6. Be attuned to reflect feelings – determine the feelings and emotions in a person’s verbal and body language and state those feelings back to the person.
  7. Summarise – you might say something like “Okay, so what you’ve said is this, this and this. Am I right so far?”

Conclusion

Being an active listener is important
— Thomas Barwick/Iconica/Getty Images

Effective listening is something you can do with everyone you come across i.e. family, friends, partners, children, colleagues etc. Good listening encourages the speaker to feel considered and valued and hopefully you’ll gain something from the conversation.

Apart from the practical benefits, being an active listener is important for aspects of your social life. Relationships where someone talks all the time and never listens to you aren’t well balanced at all. Reciprocation is necessary for any good relationship – a mutual exchange during the conversation. If someone’s talking at you without listening in return, you’re unable to develop a meaningful, healthy and mutually beneficial relationship. Ditto if you’re doing all the talking.

What might you take away from this post? Do you recognise yourself in the common mistakes section or do you see yourself as an active listener?

“I remind myself every morning: Nothing I say this day will teach me anything. So if I’m going to learn, I must do it by listening.” — Larry King