Guest post from a fellow blogger who has Schizoaffective Disorder
I Have Schizoaffective Disorder… So, What Is That Experience Like?
by Mio Angelo of “Mentally Ill In America” here.
For me, my thoughts are oftentimes quite muddled. I have confusion much of the time, and when I am clear on my thinking, that is a bonus—something worthy of celebrating!
Usually though, my days are spent listening to music, blogging, being on social media (for my blog), and writing. I try to stay off of places like Facebook, because I just end up getting upset with others. And, I don’t want to put myself (and everyone else) through that!
I also have to stay away from politics as much as possible too, as nearly all types of politics are triggering. So, again, I listen to music, blog, spend time on social media for my blog, and write. And, that’s my typical day!
But, what do I think about? What are my thoughts like?
Pinning my thoughts down isn’t always easy. Much of the time, I have skewed and warped views or “delusions,” about anything and everything.
“Hallucinations” are also prevalent—where I hear voices—that typically say or yell disparaging things. I will even have full-blown conversations (a lot of times without my even realizing I am doing so), that focus on things that are largely invasive, and that have a negative undertone to them.
Like, I think a lot about how (I believe) my blog is garnering a lot of negative attention from important people (i.e. the government or people connected to the government), who may somehow use the things I write about, against me. And, I am in competition with these conversations, in order to have a healthy stream of thoughts (which I don’t 100% of the time get to experience).
I do get lost or stuck a lot with my way of thinking, and as I’ve said, I basically am tasked with interrupting those invasive conversations, as they are unhealthy and unkind.
I deal with all of this stuff every day, but interestingly enough, I do have some amount of happiness and confidence within myself and with regards to the life I live.
“Happiness is being content with what you have, living in freedom and liberty, having a good family life and good friends.”Divyanka Tripathi
That didn’t happen overnight either.
In fact, it took all of 20 years to figure out that I can also feel good, while in the midst of psychosis. What the turning point for me was, was figuring myself out and what I believe, and then slowly introducing the notion of being in an intimate relationship, which I feel that achieving that has been my biggest stabilizing force.
I also feel that relationships (in general) tend to be very elusive to many people living with severe mental illness.
When I Cry Sometimes
I do so because it hurts. The pain hurts.
I do so when I am brave. I feel brave.
I do so even when I am a bit imbalanced. I am a bit imbalanced.
No matter what, I cry because I care. I absolutely care.
No matter what, strength is shedding a tear every now and then.
No matter what, I can express my emotions.
We all need to let it out and let it go.
That is when I cry sometimes.Mio Angelo at Mentally ill in America
If we could all just begin to look at our mental illnesses as something that we just have, and find ways to challenge ourselves amid them aka try to make our life experiences somehow better, I think that we will win the battle against our diagnoses!
Perhaps that is wishful thinking for a lot of us, and maybe it is, but I always believe in doing something, that places me in an upward and onward direction!
And, yes, it is quite tough!
But, I have noticed that specific improvements do occur, when I am overtly challenging myself and my current levels of insight.
So, how do you feel when you are challenging your mental health experience? Especially as it pertains to wrestling control of your symptoms?
Footnote: A massive thank you to Mio at Mentally ill in America. He writes about his life with Schizoaffective Disorder and his recovery, together with amazingly raw, honest and thought-provoking poetry.
He also has a free book to offer if you’re interested. In the meantime, I’m sure he’d be delighted to read any comments and to answer any questions you might have about his mental illness. Why not drop by his blog and say hello?