7 thoughts on “My journey through panic attacks and psychotic depression”

  1. No, I couldn’t relate at all. I don’t know whether that’s a good or a bad thing but it seems terrifying. I know I’m glad that my daughter got a relatively “safe” upbringing – I mean, she has issues as you know but we did our absolute best with her. She never had to worry about abuse, despite what she claimed – plus my own upbringing was in a very stable environment, as far as I knew/know.
    I do know how we tend to normalize things bigtime, we go through all this shit and just try and “keep calm and carry on”, and only years later do we realise that we should bever have been put in that situation.
    I keep wondering how the hell did you hold down what must have been a demanding job with this going on behind the scenes. But I guess that’s what we do, isn’t it? We cope. Sending hugs. Px

    1. I suppose it’s a good thing that you can’t P cos I dare say even the thought of it all would turn anyone’s stomach. I wish I couldn’t relate. But hey, like you said, we just have to get up and get on with with. Of course, as I’ve previously mentioned, I really was suicidal at times. I think, not that I wanted to take my own life, it was like “if someone could take all this crap away – I wouldn’t want to die.”

      And once the boys were there – what else is there to do. I had to keep them safe and ‘unaware’ but in my next ‘chapter’ you’ll hear how they found out about what when on when I was younger 🙁 I wish they didn’t have to hear. Thanks P and big hugs back at ya! x

  2. What a strong post! I can imagine you need to take a break in between writing your story, it’s the same with me and mine is of a whole different nature. Take the time you need.
    What struck me was your father being absent and that he wasn’t there to protect you and your siblings. I think your absolutely right. When 50% of the parents are not there, you’re 50% more vulnerable to ‘things’ happening. I’m glad your wrote the actual word in your post (there I’ve said it), it is not my place to repeat it.
    That Tony is one hell of a guy isn’t he? Without his bed linen. C’mon! I pained me to read that Nic needed to call his father back himself to get a happy birthday.
    It’s difficult to be honest with your children, especially when they’re 16, they are not small anymore but at the same time, those are still adult issues.
    Abuse circles through generations and I think you write so well about the road you took to diminish the effects, to heal relations and to stop the circle.
    It is not so black and white, it effects multiple people. In healing, all those grey areas need to be looked at and it is the ‘community’ of ‘family’ that needs to heal.
    ‘If you want to go fast, walk alone. If you want to go far, walk together’.

    1. It almost made me laugh when Tony mentioned the bed linen – I mean, in the midst of all this crap – that’s what he thought about 😉 Oh, and you think he couldn’t get any worse? Just wait lol.

      Thank you Kasha, you write so sweetly and I love ‘If you want to go fast……’ It’s a fitting quote.

  3. Calling his own son on his birthday to ask him to babysit another woman’s children really shows a utilizing attitude by Tony. I’m sure there’s a better technical term for this, but it’s what comes to mind when I think of people who relate to others mainly as things they can use, whether for as a source of bed linens or babysitting, or as an outlet for toxic reactions. “I don’t know what the f-ing big deal is,”—really? 🤨

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